We are back with another season of Netflix’s Love is Blind, which means another blog post that I can use to justify binge-watching reality television! For those who have never tuned in, Love is Blind is a reality dating show where singles date, without ever seeing what the other person looks like, with the goal of getting engaged after one week and married after six.
After the last season of Love is Blind aired, I felt compelled as a family law attorney to write my first blog promoting the importance of prenuptial agreements and discussing how the Love is Blind couples could benefit from discussing whether to get one.
Today I want to focus on Keya, who was caught in a dramatic love triangle with a man who clearly considered Keya to be a second choice. After his relationship with his first choice fell apart, I worried that Keya would look away from the red flags because she wanted so badly to be loved. This had me yelling at her through the TV to not accept being a second choice. And I think she heard me because in Episode 5, Keya ended the relationship, choosing to be single. Keya later says in a confessional, “You know what’s weird? I always choose myself. So this feeling feels very, very, very familiar. What’s unfamiliar is the journey I took to choose myself.”
As a recovering people-pleaser (or at least I’m trying to be), I have also struggled in the past to choose myself in relationships and found Keya’s decision to be a brave and exciting one. I’ve also witnessed clients in all stages of their relationship struggle to do what Keya did, so I wanted to think more deeply about what it means to choose yourself. To that end, I spoke with Chikara Kennedy, a Transformational Coach here at Bloom Family Law’s Soul Compass Divorce Program, about her perspective on Keya’s choice.
Have you ever coached someone who hasn’t been “choosing” themselves? What does that look like?
Even though the phrase “choosing yourself” is everywhere now, It’s actually a pretty new concept. Most of us were conditioned to do the opposite. As kids, we learned to look outward for validation, from parents, teachers, later bosses, partners. And over time, that becomes normal. We choose the title, the relationship status, the image of success…and we call that fulfillment.
I’ve coached hundreds of high-performing leaders through major life transitions, and what’s striking is how often self-abandonment feels normal. Anxiety feels normal. Confusion feels normal. Exhaustion feels normal. In relationships especially, we can ignore that subtle gut tension because the relief of being chosen feels better than being alone and feeling peace can actually feel foreign.
Are people generally aware or not aware of whether they are not choosing themselves?
Most people aren’t aware they aren’t choosing themselves. It’s not dramatic. It’s quiet. It just feels like “this is how it is,” especially when for most of us, this is our baseline at work, in relationships, and in life.
While for Keya in this experiment, it means staying single for now, is it possible to choose yourself and maintain a happy romantic relationship?
I think so – but it requires a different starting point. Being single can be an opportunity to figure out what actually makes you feel secure and content, outside of performance or validation. And there really isn’t one template for a happy relationship.
Choosing yourself in a relationship doesn’t mean being selfish or rude. It means the relationship isn’t your source of identity. It’s an extension of a life you already feel steady in. When two people are choosing each other from wholeness – not fear, obligation, or fear of growing old alone, of being unchosen, of the idea that the dating pool is trash and this is what’s available – the dynamic shifts. It becomes less about settling for chemistry, attraction, or the temporary relief of being chosen and more about genuine alignment. And that can look different for everyone.
What questions can we ask ourselves to reflect on whether we have been choosing ourselves or not?
Dating is hard. Relationships are hard. Doing it on reality TV magnifies everything. As viewers it’s easy to judge. But what I find more interesting is the mirror it holds up.
Where have we moved faster than our clarity?
Where have we given access to someone who wasn’t ready to reciprocate?
Where have we ignored that small voice in our gut because being chosen felt easier than being alone?
And how can we begin regularly and respectfully ending things when we know they aren’t right?
It doesn’t matter where you are in a relationship, there’s no wrong time to reflect on what it means to you to choose yourself. The work you do now could prepare you for a healthy relationship if you’re single, promote longevity if you’re already in a relationship, and help you heal from a broken one. If you, like Keya, are on an unfamiliar journey towards finding yourself, you are not alone! I hope Keya and Chikara’s insights make you feel empowered to do this work, and I encourage you to reach out to Chikara or other coaches like Chikara, who are professionally trained and equipped to help you navigate this process in a safe way.
And if you’re doing this work in conjunction with contemplating a prenup or legal proceedings, I’m here for you too.
Riena Yu
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