With a new season of Love Is Blind premiering on October 14, I thought it would be fun to revisit a particularly memorable moment from the previous season. After all, while the show will soon move on to new couples and new drama, I think the relationship issues raised in past seasons are worth revisiting, especially when they touch on topics I see regularly in my family law practice.
One storyline that stuck with me was Amber and Jordan's. The couple said "I do" at the altar, only to divorce four months later. During their short marriage, Jordan had developed a relationship with Amber's young daughter, but when the marriage ended, he left without saying goodbye to her. Amber shared at the reunion that her daughter was so hopeful Jordan would return that she wanted to create a memory box to bring him back.
As a family law attorney and mediator, this raised so many questions for me. What responsibility do we have to children when a relationship ends, particularly when we're not their biological parent? How can parents help their children process the loss of someone who was briefly, but meaningfully, part of their lives? And is it ever too late to make things right?
To explore these questions, I spoke with Valerie Sher, Ph.D., a psychologist, educator, and Collaborative Divorce Coach, about how parents can help children navigate the emotional impact of divorce, the importance of closure, and what Amber and Jordan could have done differently.
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How do you counsel divorcing parents on how to talk to their kids about the divorce? What do you usually say/recommend?
It’s important to create a neutral non-blaming narrative that preserves the relationship with both parents. Even parents with adult children should consider what they tell their children and the future they want to create with their children. I often help parents discuss the reasons, how to tell the children, and it can help to write it down.
Having both parents sit down and tell the children is so valuable so they don’t hear a one-sided perspective, and again it helps preserve relationships with both parents, and offers a space to answer questions together. Even if one parent has already told the child/children, a do-over is possible.
How would you recommend this Love is Blind couple have approached the situation, given that the Jordan is not the biological father and the relationship was so short?
Even though the relationship was very short, and the father is not the biological father, in the scheme of a child’s life, it can be significant. How much the child bonded to the stepparent is relevant to consider and Jordan indicated he had a special connection with Amber’s daughter.
Jordan said during the reunion that he didn’t know how to tell her. Having a Divorce Coach could have been helpful in guiding him in the process and how to talk with her about it. Expressing that even in the short amount of time they spent together, he valued their time and interactions. Other things that might help Amber’s daughter and him have closure would be to reflect what he saw in her, what she meant to him, and a message that it wasn’t her fault and he was sorry it didn’t work out could be valuable and healing to both.
How would you coach Amber in supporting her daughter cope with the transition in the aftermath of the breakup, especially the fact that she didn’t get to say goodbye?
Amber indicated that her daughter suggested creating a memory box that might help him come back. Amber might have reframed that as a memory box to hold what was special and to let him go, maybe she could have held a little ritual of letting go which would be valuable for both her and her daughter.
In my divorce work, I often facilitate a ritual of writing down the gifts of a relationship and what you’re letting go of. We have ceremonies and rituals for beginnings but not often for endings and they can be very impactful. This might be a great thing for both mother and daughter. And of course, encouraging her daughter to talk about her feelings, maybe using art or music or could be something they do together as they process their feelings.
By demonstrating resiliency herself, Amber can help her daughter develop resilience and move through a difficult life transition and ending by normalizing it, talking about endings as a part of life, having ways to express it, and what they learned from the process and what they will take them. This can include both the gifts of relationships, and what they want to take forward.
Is it too late for Jordan to go back and speak with Amber’s daughter/apologize?
It’s not too late. Do-overs are always a possibility and can go a long way in changing the child’s narrative and experience. If doing it in person is too difficult or not possible, writing a note may be helpful, and something the child can return to again and again as she processes the loss.
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Valerie shows why divorce coaches can be incredibly valuable. While family law attorneys help clients navigate the legal aspects of divorce, divorce coaches help them process the emotional experience, recognize patterns in their relationships, and understand how their own choices may have contributed to the dynamics that ultimately led to separation. For parents like Amber, this work is especially meaningful because the lessons they take from one relationship can shape not only their own future, but also the example they set for their children.
The Lesson! One of my biggest takeaways from my conversation with Valerie is the importance of being intentional in the way that we not only enter, but leave, relationships, especially when children are involved.
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