Love is Blind, but is it Financially Blind?

If you've been following my Love Is Blind blog series, you know that I love using reality TV to explore the relationship dynamics that come up in my work as a family law attorney and mediator. And if you’ve been following Love Is Blind this season, you know that we all want to talk about Jax!

For those who haven’t been watching this season, Jax is an entrepreneur who’s only dated older, “successful,” and suave men. While she seems to be successful and values money, I’d argue that Jax is incredibly financially insecure. When we think about financial insecurity, we usually think about someone who’s struggling to pay the bills, drowning in debt, or living paycheck to paycheck. But sometimes, it’s about the importance you place on money and how uncomfortable you feel when someone doesn’t meet your expectations of financial success.

For example, Jax’s conversation with Morrey in Episode 1. When he tells her his cornhole business brings in $220,000 in revenue, she immediately starts questioning the numbers. As someone who also runs a business, I appreciate a woman who understands the difference between revenue and profit! But her judgmental reaction, especially when he mentions his second job as a bouncer, suggests that his financial circumstances might be a dealbreaker.

Meanwhile, when she’s talking to Stew, the man she ultimately gets engaged to, the conversation is all about white gold, Moncler puffers, Chanel, and their shared aesthetics. But plot twist (AND BIG SPOILER AHEAD): while he checked all the boxes when it comes to lifestyle and financial success, the relationship still falls apart. After finally meeting him in person, Jax leaves the show, telling producers she doesn’t want to see or even talk to him.

Now, we don’t know what the reason was for Jax making any of these decisions. We only see what the producers decide to show us. But the contrast between Jax’s conversations with these different men, and the fact that her engagement was maybe the shortest on the show’s history, had me wondering whether her search for financial compatibility distracted her from finding emotional compatibility.

We All Have A “Money Story”

To explore this further, I spoke with Karen Sparks, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) who is passionate about financial education and empowerment, particularly for women. We talked about money stories, financial insecurity, and what happens when our complicated relationships with money contribute to the breakdown of our romantic relationships.

Have you ever worked with couples where one person is insecure about their finances? What does that look like and how do you support them?

Yes, I have. So, one of the processes in my practice is to obtain some sense of what the money story looks like for each party. That will not make the divorce less difficult, but what it will do is inform how I approach the discussion and education on key financial allocation topics for the family.

Insecurity is usually not just rooted in one thing, it is a container that holds a lot of brokenness, trauma-drama, toxic behaviors and thoughts etc.

An individual’s money story is often part of that container. The behavior can play out a number of ways depending on a person’s life experience and exposure.

• If frugality was the primary focus and someone really hated that, then there is potential for them to be a spender who doesn’t like boundaries with budget planning and expenses.
• If there was a scattered approach to how the family’s finances were handled, that can translate into someone micro-managing everything and demanding accountability all the time.
• If poverty was a strong issue and someone was singled out for this in some way in their life, that can translate into never feeling good enough and that can lead to making an idol of money and never feeling like there is enough money.
• If the responsible adult in the family used extreme behaviors to avoid facing something difficult, something triggering or something they did not like, then that can translate into rejection, ghosting and inappropriate behaviors.

How can financial insecurity manifest during a divorce?

The most common way financial insecurity shows up in divorce is in power and control over the finances by one of the parties. This is usually manifested by years of one party making all decisions and controlling all access to financial accounts and related decisions and investments.

The divorce process creates some key overlays to the power and control issue:

1. There is a fear of losing that control and so there is the imposition of gas lighting the other party and other forms of emotional abuse.
2. There is the fear that questionable financial transactions will be brought to life and that person is now seriously concerned that a light will be shown on the behavior and they thought that this exposure would always stay hidden in marriage.
3. The notion that the other party does not “deserve” to participate in the marital proceeds (this is most common with one person is the major wage earner).
4. The person with the access to money uses it to buy the affection of children of the marriage, to control the children of the marriage or to punish the children of the marriage.

When these situations present themselves, it is very important in my practice to make sure that the parties are engaging in the appropriate process to resolve this transition of divorce. Often if finances allow, Collaborative Divorce provides a safe framework and professional support to bring the parties through the divorce process in a supportive and effective way. As a CDFA (certified divorce financial strategist), I appreciate how my work has more impact when the couple has the coaching/therapeutic and attorney support.

How would you counsel someone who is financially insecure?

In my practice, we have developed programs to assist our clients in understanding (some for the first time ever or in a long time) the components of the financial spending and habits that are feeding their insecurity. This process often brings clarity and focus and provides the groundwork for leading them in more effective and efficient divorce finance conversations.

How would you counsel someone who is secure, but whose partner is insecure?

Believe it or not, transparency and communication are two very important tools that most folks forget about. Financial alignment is the cornerstone of any relationship. Talk about finances early and often - the more you know the less stressed you will be. The absence of stress leads to more collaborative and aligned decisions. When you feel confirmed in your decisions you have confidence and peace of mind.

----

So what can we learn from Jax? Well, while there’s nothing wrong with wanting a financially successful partner, it’s worth asking yourself why financial success matters so much to you. Are you looking for stability? Security? A certain lifestyle? Or is there something deeper going on?

That’s why I appreciate Karen’s emphasis on understanding our money stories. Financial insecurity isn’t about how much money you have. It is about fear, expectations, assumptions, and other big feelings that can turn into mistrust and resentment in your relationship, especially during divorce.

I also love Karen’s reminder that transparency and communication are often overlooked, even though they’re so important. It’s all too common for anger, embarrassment, shame, and fear to cloud your judgment and make you forget about these tools, whether you’re building a relationship or bringing an end to one.

The Lesson! Get curious about your own money story and your partner’s. Financial compatibility isn’t necessarily about having the same income or spending habits, but about understanding each other’s perspectives and being willing to have honest, sometimes uncomfortable, conversations about money. And having these types of conversations early on will lead you to discover whether someone checks not only the boxes on your financial wish list, but on all the other boxes that matter in a relationship.